We know you’re astute so you’ll have noticed a bit of a theme around here lately; namely that at LSC, we’re in complete Christmas denial. We’re unprepared for the tinsel, drunken work parties and Mariah C on a constant loop everywhere we. freaking. go. Does she need to be so darned everywhere? 

So guess what we’ve done so far to prepare for Christmas? Not bloody enough, that’s what. All our good intentions of fashioning a proper fruit cake and some suet-laden mince for pies flew out the window a while back. Maybe next year we’ll get our A’s into G in October like we should. Consequently, we’ve been casting about frantically for festive recipes that don’t involve ridiculous prep, costly, esoteric ingredients (looking at you, amarena cherries!), or oven-baking for hours and hours and more endless, mind-numbing hours. Things suitable to give – or not, as the mood strikes. Enter chocolate salami! In the same vein as good old fashioned fudge cake, this is one of those unbaked creations based on crushed commercial biscuits that even a child could make. You (or ‘they’, if you press gang your kitchen labour like we do) essentially mix, melt, bang the thing into a log, wrap it tightly, then sling it in the fridge. Tying it up with kitchen string in butcher’s knots and dusting/rubbing the surface with icing sugar when it’s firm are added refinements and do, amazingly, make a pretty good approximation of a real-deal porky salami. But these are wholly optional touches so don’t feel pressure. Because who needs any more of THAT when Mariah’s already sending hypertension everywhere north.

MAKES 2

100g raisins, finely chopped

50ml rum, brandy or whiskey

250g chocolate chip, shortbread, or other plain-ish commercial biscuit

90g (¾ cup) walnut pieces, finely chopped

45g (⅓ cup) pistachios, finely chopped

3 tbsp Dutch cocoa

200g dark chocolate, broken

80g unsalted butter, at room temperature

80g (¼ cup) sweetened condensed milk

60g caster sugar

2 large egg yolks

1 tsp vanilla extract

Combine the raisins and rum in a small bowl, cover, then stand at least 1 hour or overnight.

Meanwhile, using a large, sharp knife, chop the biscuits into 5mm pieces; you don’t want fine crumbs, hence no food processor. Combine in a large bowl with the walnuts, pistachios and cocoa, stir to mix well, then set aside.

Combine the chocolate and butter in a bowl, then set it over a saucepan of simmering water to melt, making sure the bowl fits snugly and the water does not touch the base. When the chocolate and butter are melted, remove the bowl from the heat, stir in the condensed milk, egg yolks and vanilla, then stir until smooth. Add the chocolate mixture and undrained raisins to the biscuit mixture. Using a large metal spoon, stir to combine well. Place the bowl in the fridge for about 30 minutes for the mixture to firm up a bit. When it’s starting to set, cut two 35cm long pieces of baking paper about. Place half the salami mixture on one piece of paper, using your hands to form it into an even, 20cm log. Roll the baking paper firmly around the log, firmly twisting the ends to keep the cylindrical shape neat. Wrap the log tightly in plastic wrap. Repeat with the remaining paper and salami mixture, then refrigerate the salamis for several hours or overnight until firm.

Unwrap the salamis, then use kitchen string to tie each one at regular intervals using the butcher's knot.. Dust each all over with icing sugar, then rub the icing sugar in a little to give a salami-like surface. Return to the refrigerator until ready to serve. To serve, stand the salamis at room temperature for 20 minutes or so to soften a little, then cut off the string and use a sharp, serrated knife to slice.